So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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