did you get engaged???
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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