I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
