When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
