ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
