Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
