Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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