Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
