Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
