so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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