i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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