a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
