I saw his package. It spoke to me.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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