I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
