Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
