So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
