The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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