I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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