Porn is love you can see.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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