I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
