watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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