First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
