your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
