you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
