I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
