The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
