I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
