i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
