I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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