Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
