DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
