I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
