I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
