the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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