I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
