Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
