Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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