just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
