I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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