my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
