I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He did a backflip because drugs
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