Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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