Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
