She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
