The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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