I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize