im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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