census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
