broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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