is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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