Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
