Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
