my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
