i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
