Swine flu. Run for my life!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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