When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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