Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She has the best kind of daddy issues
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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