She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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