After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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