Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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