i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize