drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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