I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
