conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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